Why We Talked To Our Kids About Our Will

Over the Easter Holidays I went to the UK with my family. Our youngest, Jake, was lucky enough to have the opportunity to play football against some of the UK’s top academy teams as part of the amazing 345 Football Club here in Cayman. I was able to watch a couple of the matches and marvel at the facilities at the Chelsea and Tottenham training grounds and also spend time with my parents and siblings.

A moment of family harmony in the Sussex woods.

My parents recently moved house, which as you probably know, becomes a much bigger ordeal as we age. They are now living in the same town as two of their children; my elder brother and one of my younger sisters. They have six grandchildren living within a ten-minute walk of them. It’s an idyllic situation on every measure. They are doing some renovation work to their new home which, when complete, will mean they are in the right place for the rest of their lives. They have also released some equity from the sale which gives them a decent financial cushion and relieves some stress.

I don’t think it was always the case, but in recent years we have had very open and honest conversations about their financial affairs and estate planning. They don’t have a huge amount, so maybe that makes the conversation easier. But what I realise from my many conversations with people around money is that most people don’t talk through their estate plans with their kids or ask their parents about theirs.

Last year Warren Buffett wrote a letter to shareholders detailing his estate planning. Ok, there are a few more zeros on his net worth than mine or my parents, but the take-aways are the same.

Buffett writes:

I have one further suggestion for all parents, whether they are of modest or staggering wealth. When your children are mature, have them read your will before you sign it.

Be sure each child understands both the logic for your decisions and the responsibilities they will encounter upon your death. If any have questions or suggestions, listen carefully and adopt those found sensible. You don’t want your children asking “Why?” in respect to testamentary decisions when you are no longer able to respond.

Over the years, I have had questions or commentary from all three of my children and have often adopted their suggestions. There is nothing wrong with my having to defend my thoughts. My dad did the same with me.

I change my will every couple of years – often only in very minor ways – and keep things simple. Over the years, Charlie and I saw many families driven apart after the posthumous dictates of the will left beneficiaries confused and sometimes angry. Jealousies, along with actual or imagined slights during childhood, became magnified, particularly when sons were favored over daughters, either in monetary ways or by positions of importance.

Charlie and I also witnessed a few cases where a wealthy parent’s will that was fully discussed before death helped the family become closer. What could be more satisfying?

Warren Buffet is so wise. He is one of the wisest humans to have lived. Here he writes; when your children are mature, discuss your estate planning with them.

Maturity is an interesting concept. When is a child mature? Some might believe their 10-year-old is mature, others might not believe their 30-year-old is mature.

I thought about this, and thought, my daughter is mature. She is 15 years old, and we have open discussions about lots of things. So, I asked her – if something happened to Dad and I, who would you want to look after you and your brothers? She thought about it for all of about three seconds. And the answer wasn’t what I necessarily expected. (I am not sure what I expected.)

But her choice of guardian made sense and so we committed to changing our Will to incorporate this.

I also spoke to her about the fact that if anything ever happened to us, she would, alongside her brothers, inherit our wealth. But that there are safe-guards around it and they wouldn’t get it all at once. I explained why that was the case.

Money is a blessing but it can also be a burden and a curse. And whilst I want to make sure all our children are ok, I don’ t want to rob them of their drive and determination. I know first-hand the satisfaction and contentment that comes from working hard, falling down, getting back up and achieving.

It felt good to open that conversation with her and I am sure much more will flow from that in due course. I have glossed over the subject with our boys (now 11 and 13), but when the time is right, we will talk with them in more detail.

Discussing estate planning with both your children and your parents is important. A few years ago I asked my parents about their Will for the first time. They mentioned that my brother was named as the Executor.

Ok, so I love my brother – he is the eldest of five siblings and he has four younger sisters. He has three of his own daughters. He is an absolutely incredible human being. He’s a creative – a thinker and visionary.

But, he would be absolutely terrible at administering my parents’ estate, and luckily he knows it. I get why my parents named him – he’s the eldest, and the only boy. Tradition runs strong. It felt like the ‘right’ thing to do.

I told them that absolutely it was not the right thing to do. My brother, when he found out he had been named, was horrified!

On reflection, they admitted that one of their other children might be a better choice. We talked about it. Had there been no discussion I am sure that us four girls would have been left questioning…why? Why exactly did they choose my brother for a role that really wasn’t playing to his strengths in life. And no doubt there would have been a whole lot of stress and frustration as we moved through a process which relies so heavily on the person named to that role. To be honest, it would have been a nightmare.

And yet, this is how it is so often.

No conversation. People are named or not named. Gifts are made or not made. And then, when those that made the decisions are gone, the questions go unanswered. And it can tear families apart – families that you would never think could be torn apart. Throw money and grief into the mix and you are sure to get some fireworks, even in the best scenarios.

There’s not really another part of life that I can think of that operates like this.  One thing is certain; we are all going to die. Hopefully not today or tomorrow but today is a good day to start the conversation and open up to the people you love.

 Georgie

Georgie@libertywealth.ky